In My Place
by Rose Tinted Contact Lenses
Summary: Three-parter. As the Omega 4 Relay draws closer, secrets are revealed and decisions must be made. Things on the Normandy may never be the same again.
1. I Know

_This can be a standalone, but also works well combined with the others in the series: _Observation & Engineering, John, The Sound Of Silence, Oblivious, Solace, Loved & Lost, Belonging, Once More, With Feeling, Mutual Respect, Pleasant Surprises _and _Vas Normandy.

_**{To those following:**__ The 12th Shep/Tali, and, sadly, the series finale. A bumper edition, this time - __**three **__chapters.__**}**_

_I've tweaked a couple of things from the game to make sense for this Shep - hope it fits into the story OK.**  
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_Part 2 of 3 is on Monday._

* * *

><p><strong>In My Place<strong>

**-1-**

**I Know**

He goes down to Engineering to check on her, as usual.

She's making calculations, working out the amount of resources needed for the upgrades he requested. He smiles when he catches her humming as she works, something he's never noticed before, and at the sweet surprise she shows when he says her name. The mood drops when he asks her what he's been thinking for a while. "Are you... all right?"

Her father's death was a month ago, and she is still making preparations for his funeral; since she avoided exile, she hopes to be allowed to go back to the Fleet for the service.

He has said yes. Of course he has - he's not heartless. He's also offered to provide any emotional support she needs, even if it means going to the service himself. Her voice had cracked as she thanked him for it, and suddenly he had found himself with an armful of grateful quarian. He just smiled, said it was the least a friend could do. That's what he tried to tell himself.

He knows that's not why he did it.

She nods. "I... I think so. Thank you for everything, Shepard." She can't meet his eye, though, and her voice is a mumble.

He never knew his parents, never had anything to grieve for - he is wondering now whether that was a blessing as well as a curse.

* * *

><p>They never gave the evidence, and so Rael'Zorah is mourned as an honoured member of the Admiralty Board.<p>

The service is formal, sombre, as is befitting for such occasions, but it also feels cold, impersonal - yes, he was an Admiral, but he was a husband, a brother, a friend... a _father_.

She can barely speak when she is asked to, and for the rest of the service, she is silent, barely aware, just listening to her own breathing through her suit's air filtering system. She knows she must keep going, pull herself together, even as something inside her snaps.

Through it all, Shepard is there, always right beside her, in full Alliance dress uniform, his jaw set like the soldier he is; it's the little things, like the ever-present hand placed on her shoulder in comfort and the worried looks he frequently gives her, that make her remember that this is _John, _not some intimidating alien commander.

She sees the glances directed their way at the contact - with their suits, quarians rely on it for comfort far less than humans; it is usually considered a sign of a relationship - and is briefly nervous before the grief overtakes her. Then she is again glad of his company, and forgets everything except the two of them and her father's memory.

* * *

><p>When she breaks down on the shuttle back to the Normandy, he finally sheds the emotionless steel facade, and the hand on her shoulder becomes a tight hug, him looking just as heartbroken as she is but saying nothing except meaningless reassurances. She doesn't like to admit it, but they help ease the pain a little - or maybe it's just his presence, she isn't sure which. Does it matter?<p>

As she waits for her suit to do its work on her tears, she vows to herself that this will be the last time she will cry. The promise itself almost makes her burst into tears again, but she manages to calm down, watching the world fly past the shuttle window in silence, Shepard's arm still around her.

* * *

><p>These days, she is almost close to her normal self - occasionally, he sees the metaphorical mask break, notices the change in her body language whenever she talks about her father, but usually, she can keep calm, seems to be making progress.<p>

As they eat in the mess hall, he eventually plucks up the courage to ask her the question he's been wondering about since the trial. "Are you upset about the new name?" His voice is cautious, and he's terrified of upsetting her after the way the past few weeks have been.

She shakes her head. "It makes sense. After all... this is my home now."

He is surprised when he hears the smile in the last few words (he doesn't even have to see her face these days to know how she's feeling), and returns it with a simple, "Thank you, Tali."

He's wished for those words for so long - he can barely believe they've finally become a reality.

* * *

><p>She'd thought she might have accidentally shown him her feelings with the "home" comment, but now she's <em>certain <em>of it. She stands, shocked at herself for what she has just said. _Linking suit environments? _She had described it as a "gesture of trust" - she hopes he misses the meaning; maybe they can forget this ever happened._.._

"I feel the same way." He is looking at the floor, a hand on the back of his neck, but she swears there is a hint of a smile on his face.

She frowns, and then realises that he must have misunderstood - but, after what he said, something makes her try.

She explains, awkwardly, that linking suit environments usually means an... _intimate _relationship - she is staring at the floor now, too, until she looks up, waiting for his repulsed reaction, the look of disgust, or horror, him to throw her off the ship.

Instead, he finally meets her eye, and says, simply, "I know. And I feel the same way."


	2. Cerberus Principles

_I've given the mess hall more tables, as usual in these stories._

_Sorry about that cliffhanger last time - enjoy!_

_Part 2 of 3._

* * *

><p><strong>In My Place<strong>

**-2-**

**Cerberus Principles**

There's a moment of silence, them simply looking at each other; their words hang in the air. Both of them search for something to say in the wake of the end of years of less-than-blissful ignorance.

His mind has gone blank... well, blank except for a few creative curses, about a quarter of them quarian. Yes, he's done his research about her race - he knew what she was suggesting from the moment she said it.

He has to admit, it was still kind of a shock - it's the most... _forward _proposition he's ever had.

"Why didn't you say anything?" Her voice is quiet, almost a whisper.

"You never asked? Besides, I'm human." He sighs. "Thought you wouldn't be interested."

"You thought...? But... I'm quarian... I thought..."

He laughs nervously. "Don't tell me you had the same thing." There is a rather loaded silence, and he looks at her in disbelief. "You _did, _didn't you?"

* * *

><p>It all comes pouring out then, about how she's felt for nearly four years, and he simply stands there, listening patiently. When she falls silent, looking to him for a reaction, he says, "For me, I realised a while before I... died." The last word is quieter, and she shakes her head as it brings back old memories, things she never wants to relive. Then his good spirits seem to return, and, as he makes his way out of Engineering, her still staring after him, he calls to her, grinning, "Cerberus are <em>not <em>gonna be pleased about _this._"

For the first time in weeks, she laughs.

* * *

><p>The whistled strains of the <em>Blasto <em>theme tune echo through the CIC; Kelly looks up, frowning. "Commander?"

"Kelly?" He stops to take a look at his private terminal, but still seems to be listening.

"Has something... happened?"

"Yeah, it has," is all he replies, and he's strolling down to the cockpit.

Joker rolls his eyes. "Tali, right?"

The commander seems to snap out of his grinning-like-an-idiot trance. "Huh?"

"It was pretty obvious, Shepard."

He shrugs. "Scuttlebutt. No evidence."

"Sure. You just keep on saying that until someone _believes _it_."_

* * *

><p>Ken and Gabby aren't the best at keeping secrets.<p>

Tali discovers this when, as she sits in the mess hall - carefully on the other side of the room - trying to ignore the taste of the grey sludge that is protein paste, she sees crew members who she doesn't _think _know John sitting next to him and patting him on the back, smiling about something and... are they "toasting"? The word is foreign to her, but after he mentioned it and explained it to her, she thinks she understands.

It seems their discoveries are mutual - her knowledge about the human race is growing as rapidly as his about the quarians. The thought makes brings a smile to her face.

He's trying to laugh it off, mainly staring into his lunch and occasionally contributing the odd comment, but he catches sight of her across the room and raises his eyebrows, smiling and shrugging.

_Keelah. _She wants nothing more than to return that smile - well, for him to see it - and in that moment, she resolves to get this mask off as soon as possible.

* * *

><p>In her office, plate barely touched, Miranda presses the "send" button, transmitting the report to the Illusive Man, frowning.<p>

Shepard had seemed like a decent man, but... a quarian? Impractical, dangerous, and absolutely against Cerberus principles. Doesn't he realise the position this puts her in?

* * *

><p>The silence <em>echoes.<em>

The ship is deserted except for the squad and a quiet, self-loathing Joker, caustic humour replaced by long silences spent glaring at the controls.

Hell, he even misses Ken's stupid comments, Gardner's excellent - thoroughly checked for germs and found clean - cooking, Chakwas' practicality and Kelly's easy chirpiness.

The squad? Miranda has been withdrawn and cool - just as he thought he was starting to crack her shell - ever since she found out about him and Tali; Mordin is staying busy, pretending to concentrate on upgrades and experiments; Garrus is doing more calibrations than ever before; Jacob is trying his best to keep upbeat, but sighs every time he mentions the crew... the list goes on, but the fact is simple: things just aren't the same. Tali is acting pretty normally, except for the occasional flirt in an attempt to cheer him up (he can't help being surprised, since he didn't know she _could_) and the sad silences whenever she looks at Ken and Gabby's desk.

The decision is made quickly; he can't stand it any longer, losing yet _another _crew, and his voice is firm. "Set a course for the Omega Four relay."

"You sure, commander?" Joker's voice is doubtful, and EDI adds her piece about why this could be disastrous.

"They have my crew. If the ship goes down, so does the captain." He spares a thought for the squad, those who have, either bravely or stupidly (or after being threatened by Cerberus, he supposes) agreed to do this with him. They went into this as a suicide mission. He repeats, "I'm sure."

Joker gives him an ETA and he retires to the Loft, knowing he won't be able to sleep but trying to find some way to waste time. Maybe compose a will? He already has one, as an Alliance soldier. The thought brings a harsh half-laugh from him as he steps into the elevator.

* * *

><p>Sitting at his desk, frowning at a datapad, the sound of the door intercom startles him from his morbid trance, and he frowns as he opens it and sees Tali, shifting her weight awkwardly.<p>

He frowns, but then he tries not to let his eyes widen as he wonders if this is what he _thinks _it is.

"John..." she begins nervously, and he lets her in, realising that these are probably the last few hours of his - and her, though the thought brings him physical pain - life.

It's _exactly _what he thinks it is.


	3. By Your Side

_Part 3 of 3, last chapter in the ME1 - ME2 series. Self-indulgent end-of-series author's note below._

* * *

><p><strong>In My Place<strong>

**-3-**

**By Your Side**

She wakes slowly, and sees that he's watching her, his eyes taking in her face before meeting hers.

There's a moment of panic - he probably regrets everything, this was probably a _terrible _idea...

"What are you - ?" she begins, losing her nerve and her voice. _What are you thinking?_ she wants to say.

"Your smile," he says, giving her one of his own while he gently traces her mouth with a finger. "Guess I finally got to see it."

* * *

><p>They somehow manage to make it through the Omega Four in one piece, and he resolves to tell Joker he really <em>is<em> the best damn pilot in the entire fleet. He walks into the briefing room to greet the squad, and, when Tali sneezes, he swears Joker _smirks. _He shoots him a glare, and he shrugs in a silent "what?" gesture.

All levity is forgotten, the mood sombre, as they finally realise that this is it. _This_ is what they've been working for for so long, possibly the last time they'll see each other. He makes eye contact with each of the squad, nods to them, and then her; no words need to be said, and he swallows.

After the speech, they set out; he debates with himself whether to take her with him, wondering whether it will put her in more danger, but when he even suggests it, she immediately cuts him off. "I want to be by your side."

"This _is_ a _suicide _mission - "

She nods, and he isn't sure whether to be overjoyed or terrified for her - whichever, in that moment, it's only her helmet that stops him kissing her again.

* * *

><p>Miranda and Tali - the human and the quarian. For a moment it's just like old times, and he remembers how Ashley and Tali used to talk to each other. There was a lot of <em>laughing <em>involved, and they tended to stop rather quickly when they noticed him listening - Ashley _couldn't _have known how Tali felt. _Could _she? Should he be amused or horrified?

He remembers Horizon, and his heart sinks. If he survives... maybe he can patch it up. Sometime.

* * *

><p>The minute they reach the entrance to the Collectors' base, he exhales. "You ready?"<p>

They nod; he briefly squeezes Tali's hand - noticing the look it earns him from Miranda, which is, surprisingly, more _curious_ than hostile - and then he lets go. He nods to Miranda, and she gives him a small half-smile of what he knows is false confidence, then he sighs. "Guess we're ready as we'll ever be."

In that moment, "John" is replaced by "Commander Shepard", and his breathing becomes steadier. The mission. Nothing but the mission.

They calmly walk into their battlefield, together.

* * *

><p>She gasps when Grunt falls at the door, rushing with John and the others to help him. It takes a moment before they realise that nothing more can be done, and she sees pain flicker across John's face as it hits him. Then something in his face shuts down, and he is pushing them forward.<p>

She has come to know that look - it's the one he wore at her father's funeral, the one he wears when he talks about his family.

She shakes her head, knowing that now isn't the time. The mission. Always the mission.

* * *

><p>She sees that same pain at the loss of the colonists, but it's overwhelmed by relief for the crew. He sends Mordin back with them, and, for the first time since they entered this hellish place, gives her a smile.<p>

* * *

><p>Miranda, resigning? <em>Keelah, that <em>was... unexpected. Suddenly, she thinks she understands why John made the effort to strike up a friendship with the woman.

* * *

><p>She is aware of the reaper falling, the ground tipping underneath them, and it's him she thinks of as she sees the drop. She knew this could happen. She knew this would <em>probably <em>happen. At least it will be quick for her - even with her own terror, it is him she feels sorry for.

Then his hand is around hers, clutching it tightly, and all she can think is that he should let go, what if he falls as well? Her breathing stops, every thought flying out of her head, when he pulls her back onto the platform and looks into her eyes, and he is _smiling, _of all things. "Like I'd let them get _you."_

* * *

><p>He looks into the Illusive Man's glowing fake eyes, remembers Cerberus principles; he thinks he knows what <em>they<em> would say about his current relationship.

It's the main reason that he grins as he cuts the guy off. Sure, there's surviving the apparently impossible, too, but right now, that's not what's at the forefront of his mind.

He walks into the mess hall, pushing aside some debris and sitting next to Tali. He can't help smiling - this is where it all began; where he decided to talk to a lonely quarian on her pilgrimage.

She enfolds him in a tight hug, the shock of the mission still wearing off, desperate for something to cling onto after all that has happened. "I thought... I thought we wouldn't make it."

He still seems in good spirits, replying, "But we did. And that's what counts. Even if it _was_ a pretty near-death experience."

She's rather grateful that her mask hides her expression when he tells the crew to take up any concerns for a few hours with Miranda. Oh, and definitely _not _to intercom the Loft for a while.

* * *

><p>It is late the next day, a respectful silence falling, when the whole crew gathers to mourn Grunt, even though there are few who can say they knew him well - probably only Garrus and John, she thinks sadly.<p>

Many of them are still nursing wounds from their experiences with the Collectors, and the sight saddens her. But at least they are all _here, _all _alive. _Grunt's sacrifice was not in vain.

* * *

><p>He's always loved the stars; thought he'd never get to see them back on Earth, and now he's <em>here.<em> He admires them through the glass, not even trying to count them, grateful he's alive to see them. He really has no viable excuse to be on the observation deck, but Samara is in the mess hall with the others and this is probably the best time to... well, stop and _breathe, _after the chaos of the last few days.

There will be a Council report (though they'll probably find some way to disprove _this _near-death experience, as well), he's pretty sure Cerberus will want to reclaim their ship, and he'll need to talk to Anderson. For now, though, he's off the radar, and so is she.

"What do we do now?" Her voice is tentative, worried.

He looks at her and smiles. "For now? A break, I guess. _Anyone_ deserves some shore leave, after what we've just done."

She lets out a small laugh, bad as the joke is. "Shore leave? Shouldn't we be... doing _something?_"

"Oh, I can think of a few things," he replies, raising an eyebrow, and then he adds, "Probably not involving the Council, though."

She looks worried. "But they - "

He's still smiling - hell, it's hit him that they're _alive, _and nothing can dampen his mood right now. "There's time, Tali. There's time."

He puts an arm round her, and they watch the stars.

•

* * *

><p><em>And so we reach the end of this little series - certainly until ME3.<em>

_This ends pre-_Arrival_, since I didn't want to try and speculate too much about the final game. There __**was**__ also the fact that I'm a sucker for small pieces of happiness, cheesy as that is. _

_If you lurked - it's fine; I'm just glad you took a little time out of your day to read this at all. Thank you for doing so._

_Reviewers: it's been great to see that there are still new readers, even at this stage, so thank you. Reviews are always a pleasant surprise._

_Those of you that have followed this series through, even if you came to it late: well, you've been great, and probably made fair chunks of it better with the feedback and support. Expect some very sappy PMs. _

_Thank you, and goodnight. :)_

_~Rose_


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